Catwomanslair

D/s Lite

2012-01-21T22:03:00.043-05:00

I wrote recently about a guy I met from my vanilla site. He had a profile that clearly stated he was looking for a Domme. We met, and he walked the walk and talked the talk. It had promise.

For about four days.

Ah well.

This is Only a Test

After we met that first time, I took control of his cock.
I told him he couldn't masturbate or orgasm until I saw him the following week. After two days he contacted me to beg and say how rough it has been for him.

Poor thing. So I gave him a chance to earn an orgasm. I knew he had little real time experience so I figured I'd start him slowly.
He came over, I gave him a chore, that he performed, and then I allowed him to wank on his knees in front of me.

We discussed getting together again. I have not heard from him.

Share the Fantasy

These little things ferret out the real ones from those who like to live the fantasy, as long it stays a fantasy that they can control.

I suspect he was looking for a woman
who can provide him with wank fodder.
I don't do that.
I enjoy real submissive men too much. I like tormenting them. I like making them suffer in delicious ways that bring me pleasure. He won't play with me. So I wait for a real man who can take it.

I used to view myself as a real lightweight when it came to the lifestyle. for example, I've never been in to protocol. Early on in our relationship, even s2c would hint that I wasn't hard enough on him.

Another subbie boy I've played with would chuckle and say I was too nice.

But then I hit my stride.
Turns out I was a wickedly good/bad cuckoldress,
And the boy who said I wasn't mean enough?
He didn't say that when I was beating his ass
with my matching whips.

And I will fuck a guy up when I trample.

I suppose it is all relative, eh?
That I made this guy run into the night and back to his search for women on vanilla sites to "boss" him around (only) the way he wants is a testament to how entrenched I truly am. And that makes me happy.

Dinner and a Movie

2012-01-16T12:03:00.011-05:00

I just got these clips from one of my Femdom online groups. It is either a full length film or a series, I can't tell yet. But it seems to feature a mature, sexy woman
who is trying to make her real world Femdom experiences
match her fantasy version.
Here are two clips. After each real world encounter fails to pan out, the scene ends with a fantasy(?) of her being pampered head to toe by three young, hot, bare-chested studs.

So, yeah, I just ordered it from some foreign version of Amazon, stumbling my way through the ordering process in something that may have been Dutch. I just hope I can at least watch it with subtitles - Oh please, oh please, oh please..!

Enjoy.

How Will I Know?

2012-01-15T16:13:00.033-05:00

I was talking to someone just last week, wondering how will I know when I've met the next guy for me.

Well, either I Mama Gena'd the moment or, if I'm inclined to believe that s2c had hand in it, I may have met someone who may light my fire.

In one of my recent posts, I wrote about a profile I found on my vanilla dating site that had all the earmarks of a sub speaking in code.
We've since met. And it was code. And I did read it correctly.

We met for an impromptu dinner. We chatted. And I told him I enjoyed his profile, in which he describes a scenario where his woman sits down on the couch, he automatically gives her the remote so she can turn it from the game he was watching to something she wants to watch. He then gets her a glass of wine and massages her feet while they talk.

Well, what would you think?

He asked me if I wanted something like that with a guy, I answered in the affirmative. He didn't seem to believe me when I said I did. I then told him that my last relationship was like that. I then took a deep breath, prefaced my next statement with "The next thing I say my send you running into the night screaming, but..."

And then I told him about myself.
The conversation quickly turned to my telling him of my journey into domination and
how I came to have a collared submissive.

He said that he thinks that a woman should always be treated well and get everything she wants.

Then he asked if I was going to keep dating. I told him I would. He blushed and said that he would be perfectly fine if I did do that. I looked him in the eye and then found myself giving him a brief rundown of what I'd done with s2c in the past. Of how I mercilessly cuckolded him.
In the middle of a restaurant I calmly told him that my subbie would help me prepare for my date, iron my clothes, select the undies I'd wear. Draw my bath, apply my lotion and then kiss my ass while I put on my makeup.

That during my date, my cuck would be doing chores for me to stay busy.

That after my date, I'd come home and tell him every gory detail of how my date pleased me, how many different ways he made me come. I'd tell my cuck of how big my date's cock was and how he used his mouth on my pussy.

The look of him blushing and trying to maintain his composure in the middle of a restaurant was such a rush. It seems I cut him right to his core. He said he would like it very much if I continued to date.

He was born to be a cuck.

We finished dinner and then headed to his place for a short foot session.
He lotioned my feet and massaged them.

I had him crawl on the floor behind me, then kiss my feet whenever I stopped.

I started getting that familiar tingle when a man submits to me.
It felt good to be doing it again. It felt good to have that tingle make its way to my pussy again. As he kissed and licked my toes,
I told him I'd take control of his cock. He could not come until he saw me next week. Acknowledging that orgasm control would be a challenge for him, he readily accepted that he did not have a choice.

How effin' pleased was I when I kissed him goodnight?

And the punchline is, he shares the same first name as s2c. Someone - the Universe or s2c - knows how clueless I am about signals. Subtleties are frequently lost on me, so the Universe/s2c knows I need a big ass sign.
Are you somewhere grinning your ass off, baby?

A Girl Like You

2012-01-15T15:56:00.007-05:00

I heard this song on the radio and I was already digging the beat when I caught some of the lyrics. The video is not indicative of anything explicitly Femdom but the lyrics do. The lyrics are something to the effect of:

My hands are bloody and my knees are sore
And I never met a girl like you before

And now you got me crawling on the floor
And I never met a girl like you before

Enjoy.

It Could Happen!

2012-01-11T21:38:00.010-05:00

Happy New Year.

Just a quickie. Remember a while back when I mentioned that it is common for our folk to utilize the vanilla personals and use code? Well, I came across a man's profile like that. While I am usually disinclined to write about something that hasn't happened, I just wanted to say that I am looking forward to meeting this person to just be a part of such a phenomenon. More later.

I'm even considering taking applications for subbies on the kinky sites.
I'm not entirely sure about that just yet.

New Day for You or Got to Learn to Walk Again, it's so New Being Free

2011-12-28T18:37:00.019-05:00

I debated on whether to post anything on this subject, as I have mentioned this idea of looking for s2c and being single under my circumstances. A new thought occurred to me today. In looking behind myself for s2c, I was looking for a sign
(from him?) or from some source that it was time to move forward. I've since taken steps toward dating again and the moment I did, I immediately felt the sensation of forward momentum. It was fantastic and I knew right away I'd made the right move.

Recently it is not so much that feeling of leaving him behind, or looking for him behind me, but I catch myself thinking that it wouldn't be prudent at this time to seriously consider companionship with another man.

Then it occurred to me that the idea comes from the illogical thought that I shouldn't seriously consider anyone because I'm thinking he will come back, like he's away on a long trip or he's lost at sea and I shouldn't close the book on him. Maybe the idea is rooted in denial that I didn't know was there.

Totally illogical. I am, however, happy in a peculiar way
that I was able to get a little closer to identifying ideas, thoughts and potential roadblocks
to making myself emotionally available to someone again.

Baby steps.

I was going to entitle this post "'Til Death Do Us Part"
but that would be more of a downer than the situation calls for.

I'm not sad, just thinking out loud.

Although s2c and I weren't married,
I must say that I do appreciate the significance of that part of the wedding vows and its relation to how much I feel his absence. We were in a committed relationship. With his death, our commitment to one another ended, and I am truly free to enter another relationship. In practice, it is such a strange idea at times.

Getting ready for a date, I get moments of awkwardness. I have to figure out what to wear. I've been out shopping for "dating" clothes. I perused the condoms in the family planning aisle.

Oh, yes I did. And yes, I did.

Told you I'm not sad.

And When You Smile For the Camera

2011-12-14T18:07:00.040-05:00

Another one of the online groups to which I belong sent me a list of Femdom films for 2011. Among htem is a German documentary called Heute Weiss Es Jeder, consisting of an interview with a lifestyle Domme as she reflects on her D/s marriage.

It is a German film, and it is, of course, in German, with no apparent subtitles. This a clip only, but I show it here because I like what seems to be the classy and dignified manner in which the film is made.

I was also enjoying the fact that the subject of the interview is this sweet, soft spoken elderly woman.
I will look in to this a little further to see if there is a version of the film with English subtitles. I would enjoy hearing this woman talk about her real life Femdom marriage.

Think about it. She was a Domme at a time when the bdsm scene would have been so underground.

How did they meet?

Was she already in the lifestyle when they met?

Did they know about one another's interest in the lifestyle when they met or after they were married?

Did one of them introduce the other to D/s?

Was there a lot of protocol?

Was it a total power exchange or in the bedroom only?

Was it soft and feminine Femdom

or hardcore?

If anyone finds out anything else about this film, especially if it is available with subtitles, please comment here or drop me a line. Thanks!

She Always Gets Her Man

2011-12-14T16:55:00.015-05:00

It must be providence or something. I'd just settled in to do some casual online surfing to add some goodies to my Christmas Wish List, when I tuned in to a movie on cable called V.I. Warshawski,
starring Kathleen Turner in the title role.
It so happens there is a great shoe scene in this film. In the clip below, Warshawski is sitting in a bar when a good looking guy strolls in. She gets her man with the help of a pair of red shoes.

The Best Places for a...

2011-12-10T22:24:00.014-05:00

I came across these tooling around the web. I remain a fan of Femdom scenes in mainstream media.
I am hooked on the added of beauty of the scene because of the superior production values
and feeling that we are slipping one or two in on the vanilla public.
Enjoy.

Express Yourself

2011-12-10T17:38:00.064-05:00

I got another email message recently from a young woman who has started down her road to Femdom.
She wrote to thank me for sharing my stories and adventures. I read her email and I was the one who became inspired - she is collaring her first submissive soon. Congratulations, dear.

Feedback like that keeps me on my square and makes me very happy. I wish every woman could know the joys of Femdom, or at least know a bit of it and incorporate it into her life as a tool for finding happiness.

Contrast the above with another experience I recently had.

I was at a meet and greet for singles. I pretty much knew that the group would have a conservative bent when it came to relationship issues.
Comments were in the range of men saying "I'll sleep with woman A, but I wouldn't bring her home to meet my family. I will take woman B home to Mom and get serious with her because she is more respectable and won't be too quick to let me get with her." And "If a woman wants a man to be serious about her, she should wait to give up sex." This came from men and women!

I've Had All I Can Stands and I Can't Stands No More

I let it slide as long as I could. But after a while, I could not keep my mouth shut and I let a few of my Femdom thoughts fly. The tenor of the most vocal conservative participants made it hard to have a starting point, but I jumped in with a comment (or two) when I could.

I mostly stuck with the notion of how women have a tremendous capacity for feeling pleasure

and should be able to enjoy pleasure as much as men, yet women in mainstream society seem to be condemned for wanting sex and pleasure, but men can do it carte blanche. In response to the man who said women should wait on sex, I pointed out that, if all women waited, who are you (men) having sex with? I was quickly perplexed by this train of thought. Conservative I get, but what struck me was how antiquated many of these ideas were.

Give it Away Now, or Sense and Sensibility
I mostly channeled Mama Gena. I pointed out that - to suggest that men want sex but women don't,
they deny women their humanity.
Women are equipped for a great capacity for pleasure and the conversation kept on this track like women don't want sex/pleasure.

Moreover, I was quick to dispel the notion that sex is something that men "get" from women and that a woman "loses" something or that a man has gotten over on her when sex happens. Sex is a physical act - big deal. True intimacy, true pleasure is when the mind is stimulated. As I got warmed up, I saw one woman sit up straight and raise her hand, church style,
signalling that she agreed with me. While she was the more demonstrative, I observed other women stirring as well.

They seemed relieved that these ideas had a voice.

I couldn't keep silent. While I did not directly say that men are there to service the woman,

I did convey the sentiment. And I did say that, while my declaration may sound like such a woman is "easy" or may be considered "slutty", she is not.

There is nothing wrong with a woman taking her pleasure.

Then the men were grinning.
Then I said to the men, that while that may sound great, it also means that a man better take care of business, and he will work hard for the opportunity to please such a woman.
As for myself, I do not tolerate a selfish or inept lover. If he cannot please me, I will be pissed that he wasted my time.
More stirring from the women

and I could see concern creep into some of the mens' faces.

I felt the tide turning from this sentiment of woman as victim and subject to a man's whims,
to woman as powerful. Then I felt better.

With even my most simple ideas,
I was bucking the system of conventional thought in major ways. The evening's discussion was wrought with ideas that I had long ago left behind. What they said sounded so foreign to me, so antiquated. I was also reminded of how a journey to Femdom, via Mama Gena or otherwise, is so often solitary. And beyond one's personal journey, winning converts happens one person at a time.

After I'd let loose, I was concerned that I'd said too much or that I'd gone too far and offended the sensibilities of this very mainstream, very vanilla crowd. Despite my writings here and all my adventures, I remain a very private person.

As the event wound down, some people, more than I would have expected, walked up to me to introduce themselves and to thank me for providing such a different perspective from a woman's point of view. One smiling but stunned looking man shook my hand and confided that in all his years (he was in his late 40's) he had NEVER heard a woman speak as I did or been as candid about what women want.

In that case, I was happy to help.

When Pussy is Annoying

2011-12-01T18:36:00.021-05:00

I picked up this video from one of the Femdom media groups of which I am a member. I was enjoying the visual of a black woman named "Lady", and her entourage of beautiful black women

being serviced by some sexy,
buff men,
until about eight bars in to the woman singing. I even debated on whether I would post this, as her voice is atrocious.
I'm talking nails-on-a-chalkboard bad. And in just moments, I found her truly repulsive and unappetizing.
Unless you're a masochist, turn the volume down.

All the way down.

Guilty Pleasures

2011-11-26T23:25:00.026-05:00

I'm giggling to myself in bald geekiness
as I watch my guilty pleasure film, Fanboys. I came across this delicious geek fest on cable earlier this year. I laugh more than I care to admit in public at the inside jokes, delight in the guest star cameos,
and the fact that I knew just about all the answers
to the Fanboy questions put to the characters near the end of the film (not the ones in the beginning). This clip above is by far my favorite, it had damn near a geek orgasm the first time I saw it.
I'm loving every frame and laughing at myself for enjoying it so much.
As I searched for clips for this post, I saw ads for Geek 2 Geek, a dating personals site for geeks.
If my stint on the current site goes south with no results, I may check out the geek site.
Let's hope we don't have to go there.

Caaandybaar!! You are Something Special!

2011-11-25T21:10:00.014-05:00

One benefit to having a long weekend is the marathon of movies on TV. I am reminded of how hysterical this scene is from the movie adaptation of Little Shop of Horrors.
In this scene, Bill Murray's character is a dental patient who is a total masochist looking to get his jollies from a sadistic dentist, played by Steve Martin.

Enjoy and giggle your ass off watching Murray's character barely able to contain himself in anticipation of his procedure.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

2011-11-25T19:59:00.021-05:00

I wrote recently that I joined a dating website. In just a few days, and a few tweaks to my profile, it has been a bonanza of thrills. I wrote speculatively before that I wanted it to be a source of hope and inspiration. It has already exceeded my expectations.
I'm getting a steady stream of responses.

Since I lost my darling s2c, I've been fortunate to get along better than I could have hoped for. But still, I felt stagnant and numb. My worldview had shrunken down to a pinpoint despite how hard I've been working to remain upbeat. There was always this undercurrent of "What the hell am I going to do now?"

When I signed up for the dating site, I immediately felt better, like that move had relieved a degree of stress that I didn't know was there until I'd done it. It seems that in addition to grieving, I was carrying this fear that there would truly be nothing for me as far as companionship.

Today, I made a date with someone from the site.
Ok, no, he doesn't look like this guy. But he has so many interesting things about him, I couldn't resist the desire to meet him. After finalizing the plan to meet, I went out to run errands. I felt fantastic. Happy. Lighter. Stronger.

Since s2c died, I felt like I didn't know what I was going to do. There were times I felt like I was slowly moving forward and leaving him behind. I've had that sensation of looking behind me to see if he was there, getting further and further away, and I disliked every necessary step that took me away from him. Today, as I took care of my business through the day, I truly felt like he was right next to me.

I don't mean like I'm holding on to his ghost, but it was a sense of accomplishment.
And I felt so light, marveling at how easy it was.

I'm truly looking forward to this adventure. I'm gonna Mama Gena the shit out of this date.
Mama says to enjoy each man you encounter and look for something great in each one. I already see terrific things in this person and in my meeting him. Regardless of what happens when we actually meet, it has already served its purpose. Anything from now on is gravy.

Give Thanks for Pussy

2011-11-24T14:29:00.017-05:00

I just read a cool cougar-type fact. I'm watching the traditional holiday marathon of James Bond films. Right now it's Goldfinger. The Bond Girl in this film is Pussy Galore, played by British actress Honor Blackman.
I looked her up for fun. According to Wikipedia, when Ms. Blackman was cast for the role, she was the first of only two women who were older than the actor playing James Bond (here, Sean Connery).
She was the oldest ever at 38 at the time. I always liked her character. She was sexy, confident,
polished yet gritty.
She was also different from the common Bond Girl in that the character was accomplished in her own right as a pilot
with her own crew of female pilots.

And you know you're fabulous when you get a Barbie doll modeled after you.

Score one for the grown women.

2011-11-24T10:28:00.036-05:00

Happy Turkey Day ya'll. One brief post before I get my eat on.

In addition to learning the benefits of making new memories for myself, I discovered that growing through the grieving process takes work. Proactive work - if that is a proper concept.

I was recently inspired to add a new facet to my move toward the future. I signed up on a dating website.
Perhaps one can argue that a vanilla site such as this is antithetical to everything I am and written about for the last several years. I see it another way. My profile is, in fact, pretty non-vanilla. I have my Femdom ideas couched in terms more subtle than what I would use on a bdsm personals site. But they are there nonetheless. For example, I give a nod to Club Pedestal in London

and OWK
in the Czech Republic. I'm not looking for a vanilla guy, as I acknowledge that I cannot go back to vanilla.

Over the years, I've heard plenty of subbie boys say
that in addition to trying the bdsm sites, they also posted profiles on vanilla sites with terms designed to ferret out a woman with dominant qualities. That's what I'm doing here. Perhaps a subbie boy will come across my profile and recognize what I've written
and respond, or my profile will tap into a man's previously untapped sub potential and he will find himself contacting me to find out more.

Waaaake Uuuupp!
(If you dutifully watched all the Spike Lee movies, you'll know where this is from. Otherwise, don't worry about it, it won't effect your reading of the post)

Besides, the very act of signing up for the site got my mojo going. Then, when I got a few responses to my profile, my punanisurfaced to say
It was nice. I'm starting to miss Her. If anything, I'm thinking that the profile will serve as a daily source of inspiration and hope that I will capture lightning in a bottle again. I have to keep in mind that my profile will generate plenty of responses from men that will not pan out - easily 90% or greater in my case.

I'm not the right one for every man, especially so on a vanilla site. However, I'm pretty sure that there is a man (or two or three) out there who is my counterpart, who knows the same about himself
and is looking for someone like me.

Are You Gonna Go My Way

2011-11-17T20:52:00.021-05:00

I recently came across a copy of Rolling Stone magazine I picked up months ago. On the cover was Rihanna,
looking fabulous in a sort of silver chain mail pair of shorts.
I was enjoying the article about her, and then I came across something really interesting. I've written about her before, as her wardrobe
often has a bdsm edge

that seems to go past its use "for fashion only."

I speculated in earlier posts that she was a domme.

She seemed too engrained and relaxed with elements of the life.

In the article, she comes out,

as a submissive.

She goes on to give an overview of what she likes with a very matter-of-fact manner (she likes to be spanked). She presented herself and the lifestyle in such a way that, even though she said it in an interview for a large, national magazine, it seems to have come and gone with little or no hoopla.

Ok, so she's not a Domme,
but my D/s radar did detect something about her. I still think she's divine.

I Guess I'll See You Next Lifetime

2011-11-14T20:54:00.013-05:00

During my recent travels, I picked up some little knick knacks for home. Among them were some decorative pillows. When I had them situated like I wanted, I took pics
of my newly pedicured feet resting on them and sent them to my Bulgarian.

Upon seeing the pics, my pet emailed me saying that, when he died, he wanted to come back as a pillow under my feet.

Lovely Lady, Let Me Drink You, Please

2011-11-12T19:58:00.014-05:00

Last year when I first went on vacation with my Bulagrian pet, we did a little bit of everything. Toward the end of that trip, he was ready to drink me.
He was able to take about two swallows before he started to have difficulty.
He was having trouble breathing and drinking.

On this trip, I pushed him a bit more. He can now get about half way through drinking from me.
I came up with an idea. To both amuse myself and to motivate him, whatever he didn't manage to drink I'd pissed on him
in the shower.

Brave New World

2011-11-11T18:58:00.016-05:00

I'm discovering that part of the healing process for s2c's death is to make new memories for myself.
My trip and having my pet Bulgarian serve me
not only did a lot to refresh me but it also helped to give me perspective. I had a wonderful time.
It is one thing to understand at an intellectual level that I will have a life after s2c, but to actually do something
and live without s2c by my side creates an understanding at a more visceral level.

I could spend the rest of my life saying "One day I'm going to..." and add a laundry list of things, but never get to them.

It feels good to go out with friends and have a little companionship. But there is a degree of sadness mixed in. There are times I find myself reflexively looking back,
as if he is behind me as I move forward. I don't know how long I will keep doing that.

Too Soon?


	A phrase used to respond to someone making a comment that was intended to be funny, but touches on subject matter that shouldn't be joked about, usually because it was a recent event (being in the last decade or so). person1: Ah man, i didn't study for the final. I'm gonna fail for sure person2: Dude, you're screwed like Steve Irwin in a tank of stingrays. person1: Too soon.

I also get the sense that time has passed because I am picking up on the glacially slow change of the tone of emails I get from subbies wanting to express interest in meeting or serving me.
Until recently, the emails were pure condolences. In the last week, one boy wrote and expressed how awkward he felt because he was digging on my photos
but also understood the depth of my loss.

At first, I took offense to any compliments on my pics, or the emails I've been getting for years from men who explain just what they'd do when serving me.
Then I realized that it was me. The world is chugging along, and has been all this time. It takes more work these days to get my mojo going,
but I had to do it some time. Regaining my momentum will,
at times, feel awkward
and contrived
but it has to happen some time.

Thank you, J and R .

On the Road Again

2011-11-03T20:22:00.016-04:00

I was exhausted from my travel to the newest undisclosed location.
Upon arrival to my hotel room, my Bulgarian pet dropped to his knees
and kissed my feet to formally welcome me.

He then served me more personally after I'd bathed, carefully and lovingly applying lotion to my body.

He poured some local wine
and I presented him with some of s2c's femdom books and dvd's. I recounted to him the details of s2c's passing, and I did something I hadn't done in months. I cried. I am usually a pretty good talker, but I could not find the words to express to him my regret that s2c didn't live to make the journey and how deeply sorry I was that the two of them never actually met.
We chatted a while until my toasted brain and tired bones couldn't stay up any longer.

After a good night's rest, we set out on the first full day. The weather was cool, so my Bulgarian had the double duty of getting us to our destination and keeping my feet warm as he drove.

On long stretches of travel, I'd lift my foot to his lips
and he'd nibble and kiss each toe.
Foot worship on the road became a constant during this trip.

Up and Away

2011-11-02T21:28:00.020-04:00

So I caught up with my Bulgarian slave a while back.

Oh yes I did.

He was waiting for me at the airport.
He carried my bags

You know, the usual.

We had a blast.

I continued to control his cock
while he escorted me around town, held my packages as I shopped, and waited on me hand and foot.

Speaking of my feet,

more soon.

I Can Dream About You

2011-10-06T21:45:00.015-04:00

I finally had a dream about s2c.
I don't know why it hasn't happened sooner and I'm not sure what prompted it. But I'm glad it happened.

I dreamed that s2c came back to life, sort of a reincarnation. I knew it was him, he told me it was him, except he came back looking like John Lennon.
I was elated to have him back,
but I remember thinking in the dream that I was mildly bummed that he now had this foppish,
soft body - and no ass to speak of.

I woke up and was in the mood to wear a great dress and red heels. It was a good day.

Drive

2011-09-29T19:29:00.018-04:00

Lately, whenever I've had a little rush of excitement or arousal, it has been under unexpected circumstances. When grief and mourning happens, the brain and body dial down the libido. Any time recently that I've experienced a yummy moment, I was tremendously relieved, that I can still feel anything.

I picked up my Mama Gena book a few weeks ago. Starting from the beginning of the book, I am working to get back on my square. I am reminded of the elements that have been the basis of all the good times I had with s2c. I recognize I will be mourning for any period of time. But along the way, it doesn't mean I can't make some more hot thrills.

I thought I'd experiment to see if I could generate a little heat for myself and be more in the driver's seat
when it comes to my pleasurable moments. Over the last few weeks, I've been sending my pet Bulgarian pics of my feet
in different shoes and whenever I get a new pedicure.

Today I took control of my Bulgarian's cock for a while.
And guess what happened when I did that? My Punani woke up.

Just the very act of firing off an email to him telling him that I'm taking control for a while
gave me a little rush and I started to feel happy.

So I'm going to amuse myself and see if I can't generate a little more "Uumph." I'll spend a little time warming up with some orgasm control. Maybe I will let him stroke himself to pics of my feet
but instruct him not to come.

Promise

2011-09-25T20:54:00.015-04:00

Strangely, there were times when s2c and I would have what I thought (at the time) were peculiar conversations such as, "What would you do if something happened to me?"

Occasionally, in the last few years, when we were at his place, he would gesture to his computer that was loaded with his Femdom videos,

look to me matter-of-factly and say "If I died, you gotta get rid of all this stuff." I'd laugh, and lightly promise him I would take care of everything before anybody else found it. "Besides," I'd say, "You can't die until I'm done with you."

I'm keeping my promise, baby. I just didn't expect I'd have to.

I've been in contact with the guys who we've hung out with the most. I could just trash all of his Femdom videos and books and goodies - but where possible, I'd like to find good homes for all of this stuff. He lived his life helping people and disseminating information to anyone who wanted it. I can't imagine doing anything less, or at least try.

Recently, I gave knight an entire tote full of s2c's Corporal magazines he'd collected throughout the 1980's.

Upon briefly looking at his new motherlode,

he exclaimed "I won't have time to masturbate to all of this!"

Be a good Boy and Put These On...

2011-09-11T16:16:00.010-04:00

I heard this oldie but goodie on the radio this afternoon. Janet at one of her sexiest incarnations, in my opinion.

The image of the pretty boys, bound, and lowered from the ceiling put me in a mood.

Ice Breakers and Multiple Uses for Duct Tape

2011-09-11T09:53:00.001-04:00

s2c would have been a year older today. I've celebrated in ways he would have liked. It so happened I went out for coffee with a new subbie last night. The timing couldn't have been more fitting. As with anything these days, I simply don't know how I will feel about doing something until I get there. I found that I was excited to meet him. It was refreshing and I had a fantastic time.

Before we met that evening, I ended up damaging my car. Nothing major,

just an inconvenience. Duct tape was going to be the best (and only) quick fix on a Saturday night. I texted him,

asking (tongue in cheek) how good he was with duct tape.

We met for coffee, sat outside, and started with the "Getting to know you/What's your story" chat. Sometime during the preliminaries, he relaxed in his seat, stretched his legs, so that one of them lightly touched mine. I thought it was a nice gesture indicating he was interested. The sun went down and we moved inside. I chose a couch for us. I eventually plopped my feet in his lap Tyra Banks Style,

and he gently rested his hands on my ankles while we talked.

He was the definition of warm, polite, and respectful, but peppered with subtle and non-invasive inflections that he was certainly interested. This guy can be patient. I was digging that.

I was still excited when we said goodnight. He walked me to my car and looked over the damage while I got the duct tape. Before he used the tape for its intended purpose, he held his wrists out toward me and invited me to tie them with the tape. What a way to break the ice. He escaped my impromptu restraint, quite handily,and then he repaired my car.

I came home all tingly.

2011-09-09T17:28:00.001-04:00

I've been in contact with my Bulgarian all summer. For fun I will send him pics of my feet, bare and in hot shoes, especially after a fresh pedi. He loved one particular color I wore, a slightly irredescent pink by OPI called Italian Love Affair.

He said my toes looked like ice cream and he wished he was there to lick them.

I got the idea to let him pick the next color I would wear. He sent me not one bottle, but about eight bottles, all different colors. I was tickled - pink, that is. My new favorite is another pink, deeper than the one I wore last month. Its called Shorts Story and I love it.

Someone to Watch Over Me or Oops, I Did it Again

2011-09-08T19:58:00.001-04:00

Either s2c is having a ball or I've started a Mama Gena avalanche.

Hard to tell.

In the last 72 hours, I've had some pleasant initial conversations via email by two tenacious but seemingly pleasant boys.

Each is polite,

respectful,

and I can almost hear their charming smiles in their writing.

I'm tempted to come out of my shell.

In my research on the grieving process, I've come to understand that it is common for the bereaved to think of the deceased as having "left" them. I have not really thought of it that way. Instead, any excitement I've felt in the last few weeks at the prospect of another man in my life leads to a sad thought that it is I who am leaving s2c behind.
Almost like I'm being disloyal. And to think that a few months ago, I was on the hunt for yet another man with whom to cuckold s2c.

A few weeks ago, I had a lovely conversation with the Fabulous Ms. K. She and I talked about strategies for ferreting out the sub potential in men who don't identify as submissive but seem drawn to women like us. After brainstorming ideas about how to draw reactions out of men, she concluded that "They're all around you."And she is right.

After Ms. K pointed it out, I was able to recount many occasions when men have had disproportionately strong reactions to little Femdom things. I once accidentally stepped right out of my leather pump when it got stuck in the threshold of a doorway.
Before I had time to turn to retrieve my shoe, a man I'd seen around before was at my feet in a flash

and helping me on with my shoe. When he stood, he seemed beside himself with excitement, chuckling, and sort of babbling until I told him I had to get going.

Recently, I had someone make a delivery to my house. After our business was done, he made a point of asking me a lot of shop talk questions. I recall that he would mix mildly personal, but, not inappropriate questions. He seemed to want to prolong our meeting. He would cast his eyes down after asking a question or blush when I gave him my candid opinions. He called the next day to make another delivery. I mentioned that he didn't need to make a second trip. He insisted that it was better that we meet. Again after the conclusion of his business, he engaged me in more chatting. More blushing and downcast eyes. He seemed to want..something. At one point, he seemed to be wondering how old I was. I grinned and said "You want to ask me how old I am?" He blushed, and for me it felt like taking a sip of something delicious.

It felt good, and it was so easy. I knew that it would have been all too easy to gently pull him in and have him submitting to me. But neither my head nor heart were in it.

So plenty of things have been coming my way. I just have to remain open to it and I just have to want it. It seems the only limit is me. But I already know that.

It seems I won't be sad, or alone

for long even if I try.

Red Light! Green Light!

2011-09-08T00:08:00.000-04:00

So much to say, little time to sit and commit it all to writing. But the short version is that, I've mama Gena'd myself a few more cheap thrills.When I want to cheer myself, I will let my imagination run wild and think of s2c out there somewhere and he is watching me and he is bored,
so he keeps throwing shit

in my path

to amuse himself and to see what I do with it because he is tired of seeing me mope about him. That always makes me smile. I hope to have time for details in the next week or so. Stay tuned.

Weird Science

2011-08-20T10:54:00.018-04:00

In light of so many emotions and revelations
I had yesterday after seeing my next ex-husband, I had yet another thought.

By the way, it was hours before I got rid of that headache.

It was a Mama Gena moment. I Mama Gena'd that man to cross my path yesterday. Earlier this month, I was flippantly writing about how s2c came along when I was ready for such a man and that he was everything I'd ever dreamed of. When I spoke up about what I wanted, he happened.

In my post, I wrote about how I wanted a hot submissive Barack Obama type,
or George Clooney
or that Thor guy
on my plate next. And damn if a guy who embodied my physical description didn't walk in the door within days of my saying it.

So now I'm saying I want that to happen again. It may not be that guy, but let me go wild again and tell the world I want to add a few more things into the petrie dish.
In fact, let me switch out George Clooney (I saw him recently in the film "The American", and the body is not so great) and go straight Tom Ford,
Daniel Craig
(dressed or undressed) and add a young Harry Belafonte
painting Dorothy Dandridge's toes in Carmen Jones.

Yeah, let's make that happen.

'Tis the Season

2011-08-20T07:41:00.027-04:00

I got a very nice message from a fellow Lifestyler on a kink social networking site. He was checking in on me and sending well wishes. He noted that some local events were in season, including the Renn Fair, and he hoped that I was getting out at least a little.

I have, in fact, been getting out a decent bit. I have stayed in touch with friends and met up with them for drinks or dinner. It has been good for me. And when I feel the least like going out, I put on something pretty
and get myself to the event.

In response to his mention of the Renn Fair, I wrote the following:

I don't know if I will make the Renn Fair this season. s2c and I would take the rickshaw and hang out there as often as possible. As a practical matter, I don't have anyone to pull the rickshaw. In addition, I don't know what it would be like for me to sit in the thing he made just for me and see another man pulling it.

I have an ilustrated blog, in which I've been writing on all sorts of subjects. Perhaps I will work through these ideas in a post. Thank you for the inspiration. Have a great weekend.

Throughout this summer, I have been setting aside the subject of the richshaw.
It has always been such a big part of our fun and pleasure and the source of countless funny moments. In the 48 hours of s2c's passing, one of my immediate thoughts was "What about all of the art fairs and events? What are we (we!!) gonna do?"

I shared these ideas with a couple of friends, a fellow Domme and her boi who knew s2c and myself well. I told them that the idea of anyone else even touching the richshaw was abhorrent to me.

I understand the mechanics of the D/s power dynamic.
A submissive's service is inherently personal,

as s/he is giving of their time, forgoing their own desires
and comfort
in order to please the Dominant.

I recognized early on that these services are things that anyone can perform, but I didn't want anyone around me,
I didnt' want anyone doing for me
the things s2c did for me. Because service is personal, and intimate, I didn't want to be that intimate with anyone.
So for anyone to stand there and pull the rickshaw
I couldn't think of anyone worthy to occupy the same space he did.

I have since softened my position on the rickshaw. I resolved to set it aside for this season. I have time to consider what to do about when I will ride and who will stand in his place.

Like the question of who will be my submissive and companion one day,
I accept the idea that someone will present himself
when I'm ready.

At the end of his message, he said that he hoped he'd never know my pain. After I'd responded to his email, a thought occurred to me. I added:

I thought about your last sentence of your message. A person who doesn't know my pain hasn't known the joy I have to have been loved so well. I think everyone should be loved like this at least once in a lifetime.

What a Rush! or Tattoo You

2011-08-19T17:28:00.037-04:00

I'm happy, I'm melancholy, I'm surprised, I'm relieved, I'm optimistic, I'm hopeful, I'm bummed and I've got one slamming headache.

Today, I saw my next ex-husband!

I made that joke after seeing one of the most beautiful men I've laid my eyes on in ages. I was in a very vanilla setting when in walks this specimen of a man. Gorgeous, caramel body to die for,
neatly dressed in Friday business casual short sleeved shirt and khakis,
conservatively groomed,
well spoken and outright hot.
His look was wildly contrasted by an elaborate network of tattoos up and down both arms.
His demeanor was all business and seemingly unconscious of how attractive he is.
The combination of the above drove me wild.

I'm happy because for about 10 minutes, I felt like an old fashioned normal woman. I have no expectations that I will see this person again, but the rush felt so good. What a treat, because for 10 minutes, all sadness was completely driven from my mind and all I could think was "DAAAAAAAMMMMN!"

I was elated.

I haven't been knocked back on my heels like this since the day I laid eyes on s2c.

I'm melancholy because I know I'm not ready to do anything other than drool over such a lovely specimen.

I'm pleasantly surprised because I knew I've been experiencing a lack of libido - I knew it would happen in the wake of s2c's passing. I was not expecting such a rush of excitement.

I'm relieved to feel something and to now know that I am capable of feeling something such as lust,
to think in the direction of how I could spend a whole day biting him all over his perfect body.

Feeling all of these things makes me optimistic that I will be able to feel like this on a continuous basis one of these days.

I'm now hopeful that there are more insanely hot men out there. In the absence of s2c's physical presence, I finally get to see what the rest of the world really looks like. You know how when you get a new car, all you see on the road afterward is your model car everywhere? Lately, all I've been seeing are middle aged, schlubby men who let their gym memberships lapse 5 years ago. I was bummed that the rest of my life was going to be filled with men my age who are riding on the merits of all the effort they put into the gym - 7 years ago. One look at this guy and I thought "This guy could be worthy."

In feeling all of these exciting, thrilling things at once, it also made me realize how numb I've been since the day s2c died. And then I crashed down into melancholy again. It made me realize that, while under the circumstances, I'm doing well, it made me realize how far I have to go before I've truly grown through the loss of s2c. I have work to do.

s2c used to tease me that I need to think less and drink more. He meant that I over think or think things through so much that I don't feel the experience. He is right again. I've been thinking through his death, and not feeling much. The roller coaster of my afternoon was such a rush of broad emotions that I had no time to think and that gave me one slamming headache.

Halley's Comet and the Bucket List

2011-08-10T18:59:00.034-04:00

I've had occasion to get out a few times recently. The most fabulous thing I've done as of late was to attend the Sade concert while she is touring.

Sade, live in concert, was on my bucket list.
The last time she came through by backwater town was at over 15 years ago. I didn't know back then that she came around with the frequency of "Halley's Comet", so I vowed that I would see her if she ever came around again.

Let me say here that there is the human race, and then there is the wonder of human engineering who is Sade.
To see her perform puts us all back on our square as to what glowing beauty, talent and exquisite class looks like.

I could not pick any one moment that was more insanely beautiful than another, but she held nothing back when she performed "Is it a Crime"

and a little "B side" tune called "Pearls". I chose this live clip becasue you get to see how fabulous she still is at 52.

Knight made the concert a gift for my birthday which recently passed. We had an amazing time and it was a picture perfect evening. Neither of us had seen Sade in concert. Knight was quite pleased to hear my account of how she tends to perform in her bare feet.

And she didn't disappoint here.
I like these clips because they are recent and have excellent clarity.

I chose this amateur clip of "By Your Side", because it is from her current tour and it allows for plenty of peeps at her feet,
so you get an idea of what Knight and I saw.

Ms. Helen Folasade Adu was spectacular. A special "Thank you" to Knight, who I think had as much fun as I did. And we weren't the only ones. Several times during the concert, grown, otherwise composed men
were screaming:

"I LOVE you Shar-daaaaay..!"

"I love you MOOOORE..!"

"NOT as much as Meeeeee..!"

I know what they meant.

(Not My) Last Dance

2011-07-27T19:11:00.031-04:00

Another thought lately is that it is quite tempting to fall into "Why did this happen?" In my case, I was so blissfully happy that it leaves me confused as to what could possibly come along after s2c to beat or match what I had with him.
It is one hell of an adjustment to make after I'd settle in to the notion that s2c was my mate and that it would be him for the rest of my life.

I am a firm believer that adversity - if it doesn't kill you - makes you stronger. At least that has been my experience. After my divorce, I settled in to the idea that I would not have a relationship or anything that would meet my expectations.

I know now how unrealistic that was, because once I was ready for the adventure, s2c was literally handed to me. My assumptions regarding my future could not have been more wrong. In fact, my life with s2c was like a dream.
Anything I imagined and desired I got.
Grief can sometimes make a person think that their present day world without their loved one is a dream. I'm having that opposite experience - all those years with s2c

seems like the best goddamn dream I've ever had.

I'm older and a different person now than I was when I thought that I would not love again. When I'm ready, I expect that someone will come my way. However, this time around I'm a Doubting Thomas as to how in the hell anyone else, or any other set of circumstances can be better than what I had with him. But even before we met, I imagined/dreamed of someone like him, and then he came.
But even what I imagined was tiny compared to what I got to live.

I Mama Gena'd myself into s2c and I can do it again. Perhaps my imagination is so limited yet again that I cannot picture what (or who)
can come after this.

So if I really just effin go for it, I should dream up the next submissive Barack Obama,
Tom Ford,
or George Clooney,
or that Thor guy.

A-ha!

2011-07-27T16:47:00.045-04:00

As I read about the process of grieveing, I have come across a reference to "triggers". These are circumstances, sights, smells, sounds or other things a grieving person experiences unexpectedly and can bring on thoughts or memories of the deceased.

Such triggers came to me throughout the day yesterday. Overall, I felt alright about it. Two triggers were songs. The first was "Take on Me" by Aha! The other was "She's so High"
by Tal Bachman.

Take on Me was our song, in the sense that we are both children of the '80's, and we'd sing the song together whenever it was playing. The lead singer Morten Harket
has an incredible vocal range of over two and half octaves. s2c and I would sing the chorus, which starts at a pitch too far below my range, but I'd try anyway. S2c would sing the lower pitch notes. The notes would rise and would shift from his vocal range to mine. Then he'd try to hit the falsetto notes as they reached just beyond his range, that's when I'd finish the chorus.

The other song was "She's So High" by Tal Backman. s2c liked this song as he found it to contain Femdom themes of a man putting his woman on a pedestal among other iconic and strong female figures including Cleopatra
and Aphrodite.

Belly Dancer: "I've lost my charm!"
James Bond: "Not from where I'm standing."

After a day of moments filled with memories of s2c, I was further delighted to find a tiny silver "princess" charm I thought I'd lost several months ago.
It has great sentimental value to me and I felt lousy when I thought it was gone forever. I picked up a book to put it away and there was the charm underneath.

I have a number of charms with sentimental value. One is a miniature bodybuilder,
which along with the key to his collar, s2c gave me to wear to symbolize him and that he is mine to do with as I please.

Before bed, I rearranged the charms to put them all together on one chain. My book on grief says that such remembrances and acts of sentiment in relation to the deceased is an attempt by the living to keep them "alive" and close by in some way. Keep the "A-ha!" moments coming for a while longer then.

Its My Perogative

2011-07-25T20:25:00.030-04:00

I have these quick ideas that come to me as I sort through how to go on without s2c. One of them is the notion of mourning for him. I've been doing some reading on the subject of the grief process. Grief is a collection of feelings and thoughts and emotions about the loss of a loved one. Mourning is the active expression of that grief.

S2c was clear about how he wanted his left behind loved ones to live should he proceed them. He was not sentimental, if he had his way, he would not want anyone making a fuss over him. His attitude was that of "Nothing to see here folks, move along..."
and for the most part, I have kept with the spirit of what he wanted, I have made a point of maintaining my routine, determined to celebrate his life. But really, one cannot just "move along," like there was/is nothing to contemplate about such a lovely man.

I know him well enough to know that he would not want me to grieve him so hard or mourn him a lot. Despite everything, there was this peculiar humility to him, he was content to behave as though nothing he did as a submissive was that special.
As a submissive, he seemed to think of himself like a piece of furniture

or a light bulb I'd unscrew and replace once it has burned out. I still don't know if he truly believed that and didn't realize how extraordinary he was,
or he did know it but was so selfless,
that he wasn't looking for praise other than the occasional "Good boy."

He was good at doing fantastic things
and passing it off as though what he did wasn't that special.
Here's the bottom line: I'm the Domme, and it is my world.
I will mourn him as long as I damn well please, and there is nothing he can do about it.

I've Got To Use My Imagination

2011-07-21T21:02:00.037-04:00

Industrial Girl,
a local domme and all around fabulous chick, has been incredibly supportive as I make my way forward without s2c.
Following my post about my musings of when to start up with socializing again and being a domme,
she wrote the following:

I picture s2c as the perfect cuckold in heaven,
watching his Woman having the best time here on earth.
For some reason, this idea makes me smile and I hope it makes you smile too! Hugs! :)

I admit, I also had a vision in my head of working such a bitter lemon into lemonade.

Part of what I want to work myself up to doing is the ability to envision s2c with the best seat in the house,
watching as I continue to cheat on him.Part of what made me feel like the bottom had dropped out was the notion that the whole reason for my dating other men

was so that I could bring it all home and rub it in his face. In turn, he would be aroused to distraction and we go out of our minds fucking
while I pushed his buttons and drove us both crazy with pleasure.

But with him gone, what is the point?

Mission Impossible

I don't want anybody without him.

So here is my messed up position: I worked so hard to overcome my guilt feelings about cheating on him
so that I could enjoy cheating on him.

NOW, I feel guilty thinking of seeing any man at all, it is unimaginable to me at this time.

Woman's Work

2011-07-21T18:50:00.015-04:00

Here is a great music video quickie called Je Vois by Ysa Ferrer. It seems that she is a music artist who is not shy about Femdom-influenced images

This video has a post-apocalyptic vibe, in which men are captured and enslaved, walked on leashes,

caged,

whipped
and used in chariot races

for the amusement of the Queen
and her Femdom subjects. There is even a flash of a moment where the women are perusing the caged men as if at a slave auction. I so love that theme. Enjoy.

I Still Got it Y'All!

2011-07-20T21:53:00.020-04:00

I was perusing old posts and had an ABC program on in the background just for noise, the premier of a show called Happy Ending. I wasn't really watching but I ended up catching the end of a scene where a white man, presumably with a white wife, was jokingly broaching the subject to the black male character with having sex with his wife.
The husband was yucking it up with the black guy, but seriously propositioning him.
Of course, a hot moment is couched in humor but I have to give it to prime time TV for including cuckolding/hot wifery in a story line.

The white cuckold/black bull angle is always tiresome for me, as it plays into the very typical white man's fantasy/fear/arousal/loathing of a black man
who can satisfy his white wife more and it turns him on to the point of self combustion. Ok, I get it. It makes my eyes roll, and I'm not even trying, but it is still tiresome. BUT yippee, because it turned up in a storyline.

2011-07-18T20:43:00.018-04:00

Right now I'm mildly weepy. I stopped by s2c's place today to check in on it. On the way there I could feel the anxiety, a little tug telling me to turn around. I haven't been there since I took his two beasties home to live with me. Maybe it was the gap in time that made me soft. I don't know what I was expecting to find when I got there. Perhaps part of me was afraid that I'd get there and feel his absence and that would reinforce the knowledge that he is truly gone.

Not much looked different. So I was able to ease my anxiety. That changed again when I stepped into his bedroom. I could smell him,
or what he smelled like.
Warm, cozy and masculine. I was transported
and it felt like a gentle hug. I breathed him in and I've been melancholy since. I'd been in his home everyday for weeks and hadn't picked up on his scent like this before. Maybe not being there for so long heightened my sense of smell, made me more sensitive to him.

One day there will come a time when his affairs will be wound down and this personal space will no longer exist. I don't know how I will handle the first moment when I can no longer enjoy moments as simple as being able to smell him on his clothes or the rooms in which he once stood.

Marie: I'm a Little Bit Country - Donnie: I'm a Little Bit Rock 'n Roll

2011-07-11T17:29:00.025-04:00

One update though. Last week when I was feeling the most alone since s2c's death, I wrote about a conversation I had with a fellow kinkster, who was a swinger. I'd written about how he cooled off when I told him I was a Domme. The sense of isolation was tough. Today I can say that I think my grief colored my perception of what happened. He texted this weekend to see how I was doing.
I must have been sounding quite awful last week when we corresponded, as it seems he was being empathetic and giving me space rather than running for the hills.

He wrote to check in on me and we agreed to stay in touch with a goal of meeting sometime soon. We are not what the other is looking for, but I think that I can be a person to whom he can tell all his adventures
as he searches for the person
who suits his needs.

He is looking for more of a straight swinging scene, in which he shares his woman with another guy
and he wants to watch or participate. I think its terribly sexy. I want that too,
but I require the power dynamic.

He is by himself in the search and I can appreciate what that is like. It can be challenging when you're kinky and you cannot discuss it with your vanilla friends. S2c was very good at encouraging people to pursue their lifestyle goals, and perhaps I can do this for this guy.

Don't Know Why Things Happen as They Do or Wish You Were Here

2011-07-11T12:10:00.013-04:00

It is a month to the day, to the hour, that I had to say goodbye to my love. This moment is hard. I've counted myself quite lucky these weeks because my days have been pretty good with the occasional hard moment, rather than the other way around. For that I am thankful. If I can make it through this moment, I think I can bear anything.

Master and Servant

2011-07-06T21:57:00.014-04:00

As the word got around as to s2c's passing, I got many beautiful and kind messages and emails from people in the bdsm and fetish community. The ones that brought me the greatest comfort were the ones in which people pointed out that s2c served me well and that he would be happy to have lived the last part of his life in service to his Domme.

Somehow, those messages brought him back to me, and he didnt seem so far away.

I want to say "Thank you" again, to the bdsm and fetish community and to acknowledge here some of the messages that have comforted me the most. I think these help me so much because they are from the perspective of a submissive

and his/her view of the power dynamic.

I am comforted to know that these sentiments are similar in that they say that he was as happy as a submissive as I was as a Domme.

That my presence in the relationship brought him joy and a place in this world

the way he did for me.

The greatest joy a submissive can obtain is in serving his Mistress, and seeing that smile on her face when she is happy, seeing the bliss on her face as he releases the tension, and anger pent up in Mistress from a hard day. While many feel the submissive spoils Mistress, in their eyes they can never do enough to pleasure Mistress. When he is tired, or hungry, hurt, or sore, he puts his needs aside for those of Mistress. With time he no longer has needs, just those of his Mistress. He becomes hers, longs for her touch, her voice, her scent. Be at calm and at peace for he has done what submissives are bred to do, please Mistress and continue to please even in her memories.

Dear CW, i am sorry for Your great loss and the loss of an obviously immensely gifted manslave. i read some of his writings and indeed some of Yours too, as part of my journey to becoming Owned and know he had many followers. i do hope You reach that place, as soon as grieving allows, where " his life with You " fond memories are the overwhelming emotions as they must be powerfully positive. i know You not, but sense he would desire that. submissively in strength, esclave p

Reading Your profile Ma'am, may i say how sorry i am to read of Your loss. So many pets however probably never have had their souls "fly" in this life as Your pet's did. For that reason You gave him an extremely lovely life and reason to live it. It breaks my heart though to hear of Your own loss. i wish i knew how better to say this.

So Humbly Yours,

Mistress, my soul tells me,
this was the life,
I was meant to live.
Mistress, my heart hopes,
you were the Mistress ,
I was meant to serve.

Somewhere

2011-07-05T19:35:00.019-04:00

Today was so-so. It started out alright. Right now I'm hit for the first time with a sense of just how unique and special my relationship was with s2c.

Earlier today, I got a text from a guy who was a potential bull candidate prior to s2c's passing. Last week, I heard from him, and I messaged him back intending to meet with him so I could tell him face-to-face what happened. I figured it would be too awkward to text him what happened. He wrote again today, thinking that I'd flaked on him when we did not connect last week. I finally texted him
and explained briefly all of my sudden developments. He was very empathetic and easy to talk to.

We talked by phone and agreed that it would still be good to stay in touch and meet some time, absent any of the expectations that led to our paths crossing in the first place.

What got me down was, after a while, I got more specific about my "angle", that of a lifestyle Domme
and that s2c was my submissive boyfriend.
After I told him, I remembered that I had not been specific about why I wanted a bull.
Up until then, I think he thought I was another swinger. We had, after all, met on a swinger site.

After I explained to him my purpose for looking for a bull, I could sense him cooling off.

I am amused at how other lifestyle people think bdsm is strange. Swinging is more accepted than this lifestyle.

Ah well.

As he cooled off, I started to realize just how different this life is. It also drove home, for a little while, just how alone I am after s2c's passing. Being with him for so many years, everything we did seemed so normal,
it was our normal. Now, when I mention things that I had grown to take for granted,
it hits me just how different it really is. And that is what had me feeling alone. I felt like the possibility of meeting someone again who suited my needs was dim. It was that feeling I'd had all my life before I met s2c, that I was by myself and I could not tell anyone what was going on in my head, let alone find someone with whom to share these thoughts.

I've spent the afternoon fighting off these dismal ideas. I've had to remind myself that I've caught lightening in a bottle once before. And if Mama Gena is right, and I think she is, there is more than one "The One" out there. I just have to get myself ready.

So I have to stop getting ahead of myself. I will be patient and take this time to define for myself what I'm going to do next. I know that I will land somewhere.

Good Grief

2011-06-26T22:37:00.018-04:00

I had a good night last night. I challenged myself to go out to a party. I didn't know what was going to happen or if I could handle it. But I did it and it went very well. I didn't know if I could or would want to go to a party without s2c. I wore some fabulous platform stiletto shoes and some sheer and lacy pieces courtesy of s2c.
I had a wonderful time. I saw good friends, played a little and indulged in a decent bit of foot worship.
You know,
good clean fun.

This morning, I had a Good Cry. I cried because I was happy. I cried this morning because my beloved s2c made it easy for me to move forward. He would always tell me that I have it inside me to make things happen around me. I thought that all the fun we had was entirely because of him. That's why I was worried that I would be unhappy at the party. I cried because it took all of this for me to finally believe him. Its like he keeps leaving me gifts to find.

Last night, I went to the party with a subbie friend of ours. He got me a beer. After an hour, a waitress handed me another beer. I thought my friend had gotten it. He hadn't. Then about 20 minutes later another beer came. I asked the waitress who sent them. She told me it was the bartender.
I raised my beer bottles to him to thank him.
About 40 minutes later, he sent yet another.

After the party I saw the bartender. He was quiet and asked if the man I was with was "my guy". I told him he was a friend. He immediately and politely told me that he thought I was wonderful and wanted to help me in any way he could. I explained to him that my own subbie had recently died and I was starting again - slowly, and if he could be patient then we could talk. But we would go slowly. He agreed and gave me his number.

Just like that, it happened.
I cried this morning because everything my s2c would tell me is true. Its happening just like he told me. He would joke that if he got hit by a bus tomorrow that there would be five guys lined up to take his place. I'd playfully ignore him and tell him that he couldn't die unless I told him he could.

I cried because my s2c gave me the gift of the ability to go on, and it has been relatively easy. So many gifts, and it brings me to my knees when I think of how good he was to me and how he left me with all these gifts just waiting to be found.

And that's not all. My friends and I met this lovely fun couple. The husband is from England and the wife is from Bulgaria! I told her about my Bulgarian slave. She was delighted. She said the same thing that my Bulgarian said about how challenging it is in Bulgaria for people with bdsm desires, that in Bulgaria the men are not typically submissive, and it is difficult for them to find a Domme. She was happy to hear my short version story of how my Bulgarian traveled overseas just to serve me.

So these are the reasons I had a Good Cry this morning.

No Translation Needed

2011-06-25T19:16:00.009-04:00

Wowee, this has a lot of bang for your buck. This is a music artist named Galena in a foreign music video called "Da ti go dam li." Cute chick in great stilettoes. Beefy guys, rope play, guys wearing heels, and objectification.

In searching for a pic, I got the impression that she is not shy about utilizing Femdom images. My kinda woman.

For fun, can anybody tell what language it is or what some of the lyrics are?

Steppin' Out or WWS2CD?

2011-06-21T13:22:00.041-04:00

In an earlier post, I touched briefly on a concern I had that I would feel strange and out of place going by myself to all the places s2c and I used to attend together. It started with our local gym.
But if my warm reception there is any indication,
then I will likely have little to worry about in other places.

One such arena is the local bdsm scene. s2c and I know plenty of people, that is not the concern. I wonder what it will be like to walk into a fetish party or event by myself?
The last time I did that was the first time, and it was the night I met s2c.

Part of me wonders if I will feel like I don't belong there anymore. Will I feel alone, will it feel alien to me?
I don't know until I give it a try. I cannot say when I will get back out there socially, but I will in one capacity or another.

I'm starting a new chapter
and I'm going to take my time to to see where it leads me.
I will use the blog to explore these ideas as they come to me. So far, I've found that once I express the concern, it has less of a sting and looms less nastily in my thoughts.

Two friends of ours, Ms. K and her boi came from out of town for s2c's service. They showered me with TLC and helped me tremendously through the weekend after his passing. They are very active politically and socially in the bdsm scene, and invited me to meet up with them for one of the larger leather events out of town.
They brought it up over lunch. I balked at the idea. I mean, is it proper?

Is it proper for me to go out socially so soon, or at any time after s2c's death? Would I be seen as callous? Am I diminishing his importance in my life these last 8 years if I go out?

I feel like that scene in gone With the Wind, when Scarlet O'Hara
is at a social dance. The music is lively, and she wants to dance, but she is supposed to be in mourning, as was the social custom for that time. It was unseemly and improper to be seen wearing colorful clothes, let alone to smile, dance or appear to be having a good time.

Another blogger, Phil Gast, describes the circumstances and social implications perfectly:

Her husband, Charles, had died of pneumonia during the Civil War.

Scarlett, who felt she is too young to be a widow, wore a mourning dress to a charity ball in Atlanta.

In that famous scene from “Gone With the Wind,” the dashing Rhett Butler won the right to dance with her in front a horrified crowd.

You may remember the looks of disgust, particularly among the ladies present, as they dance, Scarlett decked in black.

"For a widow to appear in public at a social gathering - everytime I think of it, I feel faint," bemoaned Aunt Pittypat.

Scarlett had violated the traditions of mourning in the Victorian era. Women of means would mourn for two and a half years and dancing with a bachelor was out of the question.

I sort of feel like Scarlet. But in this instance, bdsm is such an upside down world, the opposite is actually what is expected and accepted. Perhaps it is entirely appropriate for me to get back out there and let fly with a little Domme space. Since his passing, I've made a point of keeping myself together. For his memorial, I got a fresh mani/pedi,
a facial and I got my hair done. If anything, I'm going to keep myself together. I think I'd do myself and his memory a greater dishonor if I did anything less.

Systems Check, Pt. 2

2011-06-21T13:02:00.009-04:00

I found this earlier in the week. The quick set up and punchline works very well. The female survey taker is getting the opinion from a man about two different breath mints in a blind taste test. After the man samples the first one, the woman slips on a glove,
slaps the man, and asks about the second mint.

Litmus Test

2011-06-20T11:28:00.007-04:00

Well, at least I haven't stopped thinking in Femdom. I came across this. Its sort of like a Victoria's Secret segment
run amok, but it is pretty.

The Surreal World

2011-06-20T09:02:00.027-04:00

The day after s2c died, I was preoccupied with all of these little thoughts. I was thinking about who was going to put the garbage can out the day before garbage day?

Who was going to cook?

He usually made pancakes on Sundays.

Who is going to do these dishes in the sink?

Who is going to do the chores?

There are all of these superhero movies coming out, he's going to miss them.

I just got all of these pretty dresses to wear
for the rickshaw rides this summer, now I have no place to wear them.

He didn't even see the dresses.

All of these outdoor events, festivals and art fairs. I'm going to miss them, and no more rickshaw.

If I did go, part of me will resent having to walk like a mere mortal.

Out of sync

2011-06-19T22:50:00.038-04:00

It has been an up and down week. s2c's service celebrating his life was beautiful.

Now I am left with the stillness that comes after the dust has settled. Overall, it has not been bad. But I am fully aware of the potential for the grief when it really hits. Most days so far, I've been in a pretty steady mood. I get weepy at times but the "Holy shit, here comes the tsunami of grief" hasn't hit yet.

I think that all these years being spoiled by s2c has left me with tons of his love in reserves, and I'm still cruising on that.

And then I got hit with an emotional moment today when I was not expecting it. I was out at a store and I was waiting for the saleswoman to finish with the man ahead of me. He looked my way and complimented my large key which, until recently, had secured the large lock on s2c's chain collar.
"That's a very large key, its very beautiful. What is it for?"

Without thinking, I said what I always say as the "go to" cutsie answer, "It's the key to my darling's heart." Before I'd finished the sentence, the moment felt surreal.

He and the sales woman smiled politely and went back to their transaction. I heard this internal "oh, no" inside my head, as I realized I'd spoken of s2c in the present tense. The key used to go a lock on a collar around s2c's neck.

The man, however, would glance at me as he finalized his purchase. He made casual conversation and just seemed interested in me. I was aware of his subtle attentions.

Until last week, I'd have played with the idea of his comment about my necklace. I think he knew the significance of the key. I'd have coaxed more telling comments from him.
Maybe I've developed a radar for subbie boys,
and my circumstances hasn't dampened it.

But the problem is that I'm so out of sync. I finished my transaction. When I walked by, I knew the man had lingered. I pretty much knew he was going to say something as I walked by. He said "goodbye" and he continued to face me, as if looking for a way to start a conversation. By then, I was starting to lose my focus.

After a week of floating on the love of s2c, feeling surrounded by him everywhere I went and feeling like he was just on the other side of town, I was in my first situation where the key was not an immediate source of pleasure. I have to redefine it, and how I'm going to answer that question "What does that key go to?" in a totally different way.

As I left the mall, part of me thought to go back and find the man and clarify, "The key used to be the key to my..."

But that's too much information. And if I'd re-opened the conversation, what was I going to do with him? Nothing. It would have been a function of the force of habit to have a little fun.

And then what would I have done if I'd gone that far? Text s2c to share the fun like I always did?

Each step in my thoughts took me deeper into melancholy.

I kept walking.

By the end of the evening, I could feel the first trickle of the tsunami. I had a good cry, but the big one is still far from coming.

Dr. Feelgood (Love is a Serious Business) or I Ain't Never Loved a Man the Way that I Love You

2011-06-14T11:23:00.018-04:00

I regret to announce that my pet, my beloved s2c, died Saturday 6/11/11 from heart problems. He was unaware that he had the condition and little or nothing would have prevented it from happening. Earlier in the day he'd asked me to bring him some groceries because he was feeling ill the last 3 days, and when I got there he was already gone.

To say I love him doesn't seem to get at everything he was to me. It is magnified by the fact that I feel suddenly useless as a Domme. A Domme without her sub is pretty much just a picky, high strung woman with an over inflated sense of entitlement. (That's a joke, but it is pretty accurate). What is Catwoman without Batman? Even the movie sucked without the strength of his character to play against hers (now that's really accurate).

The power dynamic is incomplete and I literally don't know what to do without him. What is there for me in this Lifestyle without him with me? I cannot think past him right now and I don't expect to any time soon.

I recognize that I am in shock and I'm not even at the starting line of grieving for him. I will not run from the grief process, because if I don't grow through this experience, I won't get to remember all of our adventures and feel his love free from the pain and loss I feel now. I look forward to a time when all I feel is his love.

On the other side of my grief, I am rocked daily with realizations of how incredible he was and how he took such good care of me. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have had him for as long as I did. He was perfect for me and I was perfect for him. I am proud that he was all mine and I was completely his.

Goodbye my love, you rest now.

CW

(I Don't Know Why I) Keep Coming Back to You

2011-06-11T10:06:00.052-04:00

A subbie boy I know has recently resurfaced. He is in the cycle of showing up,
hanging around for a while, declaring how fabulous I am,
vows to be around to serve me,
and then flakes
and disappears
for long periods of time. How long? Try a cycle of months and up to a year. Then he turns up again, sniffing around, makes his declarations, buys me something to make amends, and then disappears again.

Until recently, I've taken offense to this constant "Here today, gone tomorrow" approach with this particular sub. In my frustration, I chalked it up to a terminal case of flakiness.

I spent a decent amount of time trying to figure him out. I do not get that upset, mind you, as he is a bit of an exception in terms of how I know him. He is a good friend of s2c's. They were friends in the lifestyle
long before I came into the picture. I also know him in a vanilla capacity, so his not the typical association I have with a subbie. His comings and goings
I take relatively in stride. I am not looking to have a long term committed relationship with this sub, so I let it roll off my back. I genuinely like him as a person as well, so his antics perplex me more than anger me.

So now he is back. S2c was in contact with him recently and had the opportunity to pick his brain to find out what the hell is going on.
The short answer is that this subbie respects s2c and values their friendship. He is also plagued with guilt
after spending time with his friend's domme girlfriend.

Both s2c and I have addressed this with him on many (many, many) occasions. I've played with them together

and I've played with him one-on-one.

It seems to calm him for a while, only to flare up again, resulting in one of his massive flake outs.

This used to be a source of frustration for me. However, s2c recently sent me a blog clip from Princess Sierra,
a Domme extraordinaire from Ohio. The segment is too long to repeat here, but she sees the cycle of a subbies' coming and going as testament of her power over him. Each guy has his own reason, some serve her and then run away, vowing to become "normal" and never return. According to Sierra, they always succumb to their ingrained urge to feed their submissive need,
and they come back to her again.

It amuses her, and she delights in telling them "You'll be back." And sure as shit, they do, every single time. Now that I look back on it, I have had the same experience with a number of subbies. It is the case with this particular subbie that he is fighting with himself and his guilt over being so fond of me and loyalty to his friend s2c.

Sierra's take on this phenomenon has helped me redefine my experiences with this subbie. I am no longer frustrated by his behavior. It has been a waste of energy for me trying to figure him out. It just is, because whether he overcomes his inner conflict
in order to serve me remains to be seen. But now I can also delight in the fact that,
no matter what, he'll be back.

Plenty of Fish

2011-06-07T05:23:00.051-04:00

I was watching The Bachelorette on TV last night.
I am not a fan of reality TV, and I have never watched any of the Bachelor/Bachelorette series before. I tuned in this evening because I'd heard the episode getting quite a bit of hype on The Howard Stern Show
(I'm a closet fan).

I watched and it delivered. This evening, the bachelorette
was getting set up to be dumped by a total cad. This tool here.
This guy is part sociopath, part creep and sadist, as he thoroughly enjoyed manipulating the bachelorette while delivering a smarmy narrative of his every icky move.

I reclined on the futon and watched the show as s2c was nude and on his knees nibbling my toes. The sleaze pushed this woman's buttons, and she cried when he declared he was leaving her, after having gone to great lengths to win her affection
and trust.

After he departed, she climbed into bed and sobbed - fade to commercial. I turned to s2c to discuss it. It was nauseating to see this guy luxuriate in her anguish. Whether he left just to enjoy her pain or not, he did her a huge favor.

I wondered out loud, and to myself, why I was not empathizing with her more. I'm sure it is a combination of things. Personally, I have rarely sobbed when a guy has taken his leave of me. Perhaps it is partly my domme nature, which is amplified with the knowledge that there are more dommes than there are sub men, we have our pick.
But when I think back to a time before I explored dominance, I've always been this way. If a relationship is over, it happens for a reason, especially if the man leaves. I'm not heartless, but I have rarely mourned the end of a relationship when the guy leaves. I know that it was for a reason and that there is nothing to gain from trying to get the person to stay when they do not want to.

Besides, I've always gotten off on seeing who would be the next guy on the horizon.
Last night I also found myself saying to the screen "There are a dozen other guys in the next room!
And they're all hotter!
Just reach in and pick another!

Just as I expressed this sentiment, the next segment of the show opened with one of the remaining beaus
making his way to her apartment bearing a bouquet of flowers. The pic above doesn't do him justice, he was looking much yummier last night.

Now we're talkin'!

This guy doted on her,
inquired as to how she was holding up, but didn't dwell on it, then deftly helped her feel better. That was effin' hot, and he earned major brownie points in my book.

I'm wondering if my indifference to the cads' leaving
would be more universal among my sister Dommes out there? I may pose the question on a message board or two to see what I get.

You Can Act Like a Man!

I have been teased in the past for viewing elements of a relationship more like a man than as a lot of women I've known. I'm not entirely callous, mind you. I've shed tears over the end of a relationship, but even before I'd heard of Mama Gena, I'd never come away thinking "Oh no, my only chance at happiness
just walked out the door."

I get off on seeing who else turns up next. I like the guy who picks up the pieces, swoops in to save the day. In my experience, there is often more than one.
That's why I was turned on by the guy on the show who appeared with flowers in hand.

I've never lost my mind if my guy watches porn, or goes to the strip club. I truly don't understand what there is for women get so bent out of shape about.

Is it because I'm a domme? Is the sense of entitlement that dominance gives me
contribute to why I've always felt this way? Is this what renders me incapable of understanding why she was losing her mind and sniveling when this sociopathic cad walked out the door? S2c and I were concerned that his leaving would prompt her to beg him to stay, and that that was really his goal. I was very relieved when she didn't beg and he kept walking.

Thank heavens, the bachelorette remained open to flower guy's attentions. By the end of that segment, she was sucking face with the flower guy.
Way to go, woman.

Who's That Girl?

2011-05-24T18:49:00.024-04:00

I was at the gym recently. I'd gotten a break early in the day and decided to get my workout out of the way. As a result, I was in my work clothes that included a body conscious dress

and a fabulous pair of four inch stiletto heels.

I usually go into the gym much later in the day, and I see the regulars who are there the same time as me. This day, it was lunchtime, and I passed by the midday regulars, most of whom I've never seen and who have never seen me.

I could feel the buzz circulate the gym floor as I made my way to the lockerroom. A buff guy in his twenties dressed for a rap video
made no secret of staring at me as I walked by. Within earshot, he muttered "That mutherfucka look good as hell!"

Amused, I texted s2c what had happened. He responded that the young gentleman's refined statement was the highest compliment one can receive.

Burn Rubber

2011-05-15T11:48:00.050-04:00

S2c shared with our online buddies that I was on the verge of acquiring a potential new and very young subbie. Try the the 18 year old range.

We stayed in touch for over a month, as he was in school out of state and would be back in my area when he graduated(!). I'd maintained correspondence with this young guy in the first place when he responded to my personal ad stating I was a cougar looking for an obedient man. He wrote enthusiastically that he "Was the the cub I was looking for."

And yes - I asked him several times to affirm that he was 18. According to him, he was turning 19 this summer.

He texted me once he was in town. A few peculiar things started to become apparent shortly after we tried to firm up plans to meet. He was very eager, indicating that he could meet anywhere and I could take him any place I wanted.

That was peculiar.
I attributed his enthusiasm to youthful exuberance but I still proceeded slowly. When I asked him about places to meet, he informed me he didn't have his own transportation. I asked him, how then does he get around at any other time? He stated by bus. We then discussed possible sections of town to meet, as we were on opposite sides of town. I told him that I was being mindful of safety on both our ends,
so we would meet in a public place and it would be a simple meeting with no expectations, only to see whether and how he could be of service to me.

About a day later, he said he would have to see if he could meet with me in the next few days, as he didn't have any money to take a bus across town.

Now, I'm not including this to focus on him being young and without resources, or being critical or judgmental because he said he didn't have money.
But upon him telling me all this, I did tell him that if getting across town would pose such a difficulty, then perhaps his priority should be more of securing a job rather than trying to meet me.

He seemed a little too eager to meet in the beginning, especially when he thought that I was going to assist him with his expenses.

I'm not a taxi service
or an ATM.
The totality of his peculiar responses weren't computing for me.

I sensed he was beginning to cool. Finally, he asked what was I "In to."

Since I was, by then, figuring that this young guy may have placed his personal ad hoping he was going to score an older Sugar Mama,

he was barking up the wrong tree.
In addition to that, s2c suggested that I may be saving us both a field trip by being fully candid about what I was doing.

So I told him what I was "In to." I kept it Rated
of course, and told him that I like submissive men.
He didn't know what that was. I gave him more G Rated examples - that these are men who derive their happiness when they are being subservient to women.

His reply indicated he still didn't understand.

I further explained that any man in my life who serves me first gets several months of probation.
My men serve me,
worship my feet,
do my chores
and make my life easier.

Maybe that sounded too much like work to him - Right, Maynard G. Krebs?

By then, I'd shot off about five texts in a row. After number 5, I'd not gotten any response from him about what I'm "In to."

I suspect he was too busy deleting my number.

Muwah-ha-ha-ha...!

2011-05-01T19:54:00.004-04:00

Hot damn, I'm expecting to be able to get caught up on post ideas soon. I was feeling generous recently and allowed s2c to come last week. And why not? I'd had a great week cultivating bull prospects. After my dinner with one guy, another turned up. More later.

Happy Anniversary

2011-04-25T12:15:00.010-04:00

This message is simple. Happy Anniversary to my love, my pet s2c.

My Batman.
These have been the best eight years of my life.

I love you.

CW

What I Did on Vacation: World in My Eyes

2011-04-24T10:50:00.043-04:00

My vacation changed me. It was not just a getaway and a chance for me to rest.
I came home a changed person. Every day of my vacation brought a fresh perspective and a lesson.

For example, I learned about how much power I have to make my world as fantastic as I want it to be.
I have the power to be as happy as I want to be. The only limits are within me. Around this time, I'd been seeing a particular bull for a couple of months prior to my vacation. It started out pretty good, but soon it became more of him trying to orchestrate fmf or ffm threesomes rather than he and I getting together for the purposes of being my bull and providing fodder for me to cuckold s2c.

Does it really matter the method,
so long as the result is the same? I could debate this point with other lifestyle folks all day. Sure, the function of my seeing other men was so that I'd go home and mind fuck s2c. But in addition to cuckolding fodder, I want my time with a bull to be pleasurable. I want to be turned on with my bull and then go home to even more incendiary sex with s2c. But being in this person's presence left me with the only conclusion that he had an agenda, and he was just saying whatever he thought I wanted to hear to suit his needs. Again, I'm not looking for Mr. Right, but it left me feeling empty.

While I was on vacation, he texted me,
asking what I was up to. The message just happened to arrive
when my pet Bulgarian was on the floor lotioning my feet and legs after the bath he'd drawn for me.
Looking from the text on my phone
to my pet at my feet,
I realized what had troubled me about the bull. My interaction with the bull was void of any connection. His affect is wooden, stiff and indifferent. My time with him left me cold. The only time I enjoyed him was when he was using his mouth to make me come. He left me cold.

I looked at my Bulgarian and felt warm and happy. I'd been happy all week with a man who flew half way across the world to serve me

and be at my feet. I texted the bull
and told him that I would not be seeing him again.

One for the Road

2011-04-23T22:06:00.051-04:00

On our last evening together, my Bulgarian and I were still enjoying one another. We'd spent a phenomenal week together and it was coming to an end. Frankly, it had been one of the best vacations I'd ever had.
The location was lovely but it was made memorable by having my own personal slave to worship me

and to serve my every need.

This night, my Bulgarian worshipped my body again.
Everything had that mildly melancholy "for the last time" feel to it. I had him laying on his back and I sat on his face, backward cowgirl style.
I reminded my pet that it had been over two weeks since I'd taken control of his cock
and his orgasms. He'd spent the week dutifully serving me and blissfully taking everything I dished out to amuse myself. He had yet to come. As I sat on his face and smothered him,
I ordered him to wank himself. He did as I told him,
in a very perfunctory manner. He would do so, but immediately abandon that to make me come when my arousal hit its peak.

And of course, this happened several times.
The entire time, he made this mechanical stroking on his cock.

Then I thought of what I did with s2c when I allow him to wank or if I'm teasing his cock with my foot. I leaned forward, hocked a loogie
and let the messy gooey wad rain down on his cock.

His breath caught in his throat and I've never seen a cock swell so quickly. He was gasping from the shock of the humiliation. It seems my complete disregard for his cock did the trick. I continued to smother him and spit on his cock as he gasped for breath and wanked at the same time.

This time, I laughed at his distress
as he gasped for air and his sudden rush of excitement. I warned him that this was his last chance to come. He popped within seconds.

Close, Maybe Even a Cigar

2011-04-23T16:41:00.014-04:00

Things are looking up. Last night I had dinner with a potential new bull. He is cute, well dressed, well travelled and a pleasure to talk to. So far so good.
We simply had a lovely evening getting to know each other.

It seems I Mama Gena-ed myself a real prospect. I'd last written that I wanted to click with the bull I consider. And no sooner than I'd told the world what I wanted, it happened. I'm excited. We have already planned to go out on a date next week. And we both agree to let the sexytime stuff come when it does.
I want to be at least making out with him on this next date.

We spent last night talking, and I filled him in on how my cuckolding has come in stages.
He has more of a swing lifestyle background, but he has acted in the capacity of the third guy with a couple before. He listened as I described cuckolding and my goals for having him on board.
It's nice to have my date on the same page as s2c and I in this kind of adventure.
As with anything, it takes time to cultivate leads, but this seems to be the most viable to date. I will keep you posted.

The Final Frontier

2011-04-20T23:10:00.036-04:00

The search continues for a bull so I can resume my cuckolding activities. It is slow going for a few reasons. For one, I prefer that my dating relationships happen more organically. I don't like the process of placing an ad and then sifting through the responses. It is so contrived.

The other factor is that most of the responses I get are from men who do not fit the bill of what I'm looking for. I am not looking to meet Mr. Right,

I have that already. But I do want to have chemistry with the person.

Recently, I received a response to an ad I placed for a bull. One guy responded, asking if I would be flexible on my requirement that a potential bull be single and available. He said he was married but separated. I took a pass.

This a subtle detail, but it was a Mama Gena moment. I stuck to my guns about what I wanted and what I knew would make me happy. No sooner than I'd done that, two potential and very viable guys turned up on another site. One of them really intrigued me when he wrote that he wanted to meet both s2c and I and hear about what we do. He also indicated that he likes to watch and be watched.

That last part appeals to me. I'll let you in on something - despite everything, part of me remains shy about s2c actually seeing me cheat on him.

My cuckolding s2c has come in stages. I am comfortable with s2c helping me prepare for a date.

He has even played the chauffeur and dropped me off to meet my date.

I am shy about s2c seeing me cheat on him. I think that his watching will be another milestone for me.

To date, I have gotten to the point where I met a bull for dinner, and afterward, went to s2c's while he was there. My bull and I made out on s2c's couch, but s2c was upstairs. He would pass through and he would get glimpses of me enjoying myself.he saw us making out, but he was not in the the bedroom when my bull and I took the action to s2c's bed.

It is as though I don't want him to actually see me cheating on him. I'm torn. I do want him to see it, the idea turns me on intensely. It is as though my claiming my pleasure in such a manner is so revealing, so intimate, it is like I don't want to admit it. I don't have an explanation for why, but I finally recognized that that is what is going on with me at times.

If I can break through that barrier, I think it would be one of the hottest payoffs with my cuckolding to date.